The scene opens on Vriska Serket and Aradia Megido sitting on opposite sides of a blank and unadorned room. They are both reading a book whose title is obscured by masking tape, Vriska aloud and Aradia silently. Vriska’s reading is accompanied by bombastic gestures that threaten to upset the book’s position on her knees. Aradia looks as though she is about to strangle her companion.
VRISKA: “The blood is compulsory!” Wow, who wrote this? This is total garbage! You always pick the worst books for our reading dates!
Vriska throws the book at Aradia, who manages to duck as it impacts the wall behind her. She catches it as it falls and lays it on her lap, and unbeknownst to her, her own copy slides to the floor.
ARADIA: Reading a play is pointless if you give up not even halfway through. Oh, look, now I’ve lost my place. If I pick the worst books, you certainly don’t make them better by being such a tiresome reading partner.
VRISKA: Maybe you would be having a better time if we were reading “Quatermass vs. Ungoliant” like I wanted!
ARADIA: You spoiled the ending for that one. I wasn’t interested.
VRISKA: I didn’t spoil anything! It’s obvious that the big badass spider is going to beat the stupid weak adventurer guy. Or whatever he even is!
ARADIA: A scientist. Some of us prefer our heroes to be a little more intellectual!
Vriska tries to throw the book again, but of course it is already gone. She looks at her empty hand in confusion, then glares at Aradia. Aradia rolls her eyes and looks back at the book in her lap.
ARADIA: Wait, this isn’t where I left off.
VRISKA: Maybe you are just too stupid to realize where you marked your place! Or maybe this book is so boring that all the pages are the same!
ARADIA: Shut up.
Aradia flips back through the book.
ARADIA: “I’ve frequently not been on boats” - wait. This isn’t...
Aradia turns the book this way and that with an expression of consummate confusion. Vriska watches, snickering into her hand.
VRISKA: Wow, you sure are dumb. Can you even read?
ARADIA: I’m not the one who throws books!
VRISKA: Yeah, you’re the one who throws dates!
ARADIA: Ugh!
Aradia drops one book on top of the other and knee-shuffles across the featureless room to Vriska. She raises a hand to her, but Vriska grabs her wrists and holds them apart, laughing.
VRISKA: Wow, you can’t even slap me properly. You can’t do anything right! You are a really rubbish kismesis.
Vriska gives Aradia a kiss. Aradia bites her on the mouth, and she leans back with a shriek.
VRISKA: Oh my god, I hate you!
ARADIA: I know.
VRISKA: Shut up!
ARADIA: You are easily the most obnoxious woman I’ve ever had the displeasure to know!
VRISKA: I know.
ARADIA: Shut up.
VRISKA: Are we going to keep reading that dumb book, or are we just going to sit here so I can tell you how stupid you are?
ARADIA: If you would let go of me, I could get the books and we could continue.
VRISKA: I threw that crap for a reason! Looking at your ugly face is much better than having to stink up my brain with all those dumb words.
ARADIA: So you’re just going to hold my wrists for the rest of time.
VRISKA: Sure, why not.
Aradia gives Vriska a kiss. Vriska bites her on the mouth, but this does not deter her, and for an indeterminate amount of time they trade kisses and bites until Aradia is sitting in Vriska’s lap.
ARADIA: I hate you.
VRISKA: I know. Hey, how about we forget about reading and go back to my hive?
FILL: TEAM ROSE<3ROXY
VRISKA: “The blood is compulsory!” Wow, who wrote this? This is total garbage! You always pick the worst books for our reading dates!
Vriska throws the book at Aradia, who manages to duck as it impacts the wall behind her. She catches it as it falls and lays it on her lap, and unbeknownst to her, her own copy slides to the floor.
ARADIA: Reading a play is pointless if you give up not even halfway through. Oh, look, now I’ve lost my place. If I pick the worst books, you certainly don’t make them better by being such a tiresome reading partner.
VRISKA: Maybe you would be having a better time if we were reading “Quatermass vs. Ungoliant” like I wanted!
ARADIA: You spoiled the ending for that one. I wasn’t interested.
VRISKA: I didn’t spoil anything! It’s obvious that the big badass spider is going to beat the stupid weak adventurer guy. Or whatever he even is!
ARADIA: A scientist. Some of us prefer our heroes to be a little more intellectual!
Vriska tries to throw the book again, but of course it is already gone. She looks at her empty hand in confusion, then glares at Aradia. Aradia rolls her eyes and looks back at the book in her lap.
ARADIA: Wait, this isn’t where I left off.
VRISKA: Maybe you are just too stupid to realize where you marked your place! Or maybe this book is so boring that all the pages are the same!
ARADIA: Shut up.
Aradia flips back through the book.
ARADIA: “I’ve frequently not been on boats” - wait. This isn’t...
Aradia turns the book this way and that with an expression of consummate confusion. Vriska watches, snickering into her hand.
VRISKA: Wow, you sure are dumb. Can you even read?
ARADIA: I’m not the one who throws books!
VRISKA: Yeah, you’re the one who throws dates!
ARADIA: Ugh!
Aradia drops one book on top of the other and knee-shuffles across the featureless room to Vriska. She raises a hand to her, but Vriska grabs her wrists and holds them apart, laughing.
VRISKA: Wow, you can’t even slap me properly. You can’t do anything right! You are a really rubbish kismesis.
Vriska gives Aradia a kiss. Aradia bites her on the mouth, and she leans back with a shriek.
VRISKA: Oh my god, I hate you!
ARADIA: I know.
VRISKA: Shut up!
ARADIA: You are easily the most obnoxious woman I’ve ever had the displeasure to know!
VRISKA: I know.
ARADIA: Shut up.
VRISKA: Are we going to keep reading that dumb book, or are we just going to sit here so I can tell you how stupid you are?
ARADIA: If you would let go of me, I could get the books and we could continue.
VRISKA: I threw that crap for a reason! Looking at your ugly face is much better than having to stink up my brain with all those dumb words.
ARADIA: So you’re just going to hold my wrists for the rest of time.
VRISKA: Sure, why not.
Aradia gives Vriska a kiss. Vriska bites her on the mouth, but this does not deter her, and for an indeterminate amount of time they trade kisses and bites until Aradia is sitting in Vriska’s lap.
ARADIA: I hate you.
VRISKA: I know. Hey, how about we forget about reading and go back to my hive?
ARADIA: Why bother?
VRISKA: What if somebody shows up?
ARADIA: You’re right. Shall we go?
VRISKA: Yeah, let’s go.
They do not move.