I love writing terrible children's stories way more than is healthy.
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Once upon a time there was an empress.
To be precise, she was Her Imperious Condescension, by the Grace of the Gods of the Furthest Ring, of Alternia and All the Planets Beyond the Stars, Head of the Empire, Admiral of the Imperial Fleet, Defender of the Hemocaste, Great and Eternal Leader, Sovereign of Baked Goods. Her friends called her Condesce, for short.
At least, that's what they would have called her for short, if she had any friends.
The empress had a great many things. She had long legs, strong arms, a mass of hair that flowed down her back to the floor, and a crown that occasionally got lost in all that hair. She had so many planets to rule, she had lost count of how many there were. She had a fleet of ships she ordered in battle. She had a ship of her very own as well, a great big one called the Battleship Condescension. This battleship had wide hallways and a large throne room, and it was always bustling with the activity of the crew and her admirals and courtiers. But despite all of this, the empress had no one she could really talk to.
Her underlings were all scared of her, or worse, jealous of her. Her subjects were all scared of her, or worse, hated her. It was hard being an empress. It was hard and nobody understood. Some of her subjects thought she shouldn't think she was better than they were, even though she was empress. Some of them thought she shouldn't order the imperial drones to cull so many of the weak, even though she was only trying to make her species stronger. Some of them thought that everyone should be considered equal, even though this was clearly bullshit.
Some of these trolls started sharing their bad ideas with other trolls in the lower classes. They thought they should take care of the weak and welcome them into society. They didn't know anything about social Troll Darwinism. Eventually there was a revolt to try to force her to not be empress. They thought if there was no empress, then everyone would look out for everyone else. They didn't know anything about politics.
A lot of trolls died because of the revolt. More than usual. Even so, the empress didn't even kill most of the leaders when she found them. She was a nice person.
One of these trolls she didn't kill was a psiioniic. He was very stupid, because he believed all of that nonsense about trolls being equals. On the other hand, he was also very talented. And he was very nearly the right size to fit in the engine room of her ship. Once she removed a few of pokey-out bits, he'd be perfect. It was love at first sight.
Every day, the empress would go down to her engine room and sit and talk to him. She would tell him about her plans for the future of the empire. She would tell him about the bad dreams she had during the day. She would tell him how attractive he looked in those goggles. It was nice to have someone to talk to who didn't expect anything of her, the way her admirals and courtiers did. It was nice to have someone who didn't try to explain to her how she was wrong without directly telling her that she was wrong.
The only thing the psiioniic ever said to her was, "suck my bulge, ii'm a 2hiip."
The empress extended his life so that he wouldn't have to die young, but would instead live forever with her. Together, they drove the battleship all the way across the galaxy, and added even more planets to her empire. They were an unbeatable team.
And still, the only thing the psiioniic ever said to her was, "suck my bulge, ii'm a 2hiip."
Until one day, the empress was amazed to discover that when the psiioniic said "suck my bulge," what he meant was, "ii love you."
FILL: TEAM JADE<3JOHN<3KARKAT
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Once upon a time there was an empress.
To be precise, she was Her Imperious Condescension, by the Grace of the Gods of the Furthest Ring, of Alternia and All the Planets Beyond the Stars, Head of the Empire, Admiral of the Imperial Fleet, Defender of the Hemocaste, Great and Eternal Leader, Sovereign of Baked Goods. Her friends called her Condesce, for short.
At least, that's what they would have called her for short, if she had any friends.
The empress had a great many things. She had long legs, strong arms, a mass of hair that flowed down her back to the floor, and a crown that occasionally got lost in all that hair. She had so many planets to rule, she had lost count of how many there were. She had a fleet of ships she ordered in battle. She had a ship of her very own as well, a great big one called the Battleship Condescension. This battleship had wide hallways and a large throne room, and it was always bustling with the activity of the crew and her admirals and courtiers. But despite all of this, the empress had no one she could really talk to.
Her underlings were all scared of her, or worse, jealous of her. Her subjects were all scared of her, or worse, hated her. It was hard being an empress. It was hard and nobody understood. Some of her subjects thought she shouldn't think she was better than they were, even though she was empress. Some of them thought she shouldn't order the imperial drones to cull so many of the weak, even though she was only trying to make her species stronger. Some of them thought that everyone should be considered equal, even though this was clearly bullshit.
Some of these trolls started sharing their bad ideas with other trolls in the lower classes. They thought they should take care of the weak and welcome them into society. They didn't know anything about social Troll Darwinism. Eventually there was a revolt to try to force her to not be empress. They thought if there was no empress, then everyone would look out for everyone else. They didn't know anything about politics.
A lot of trolls died because of the revolt. More than usual. Even so, the empress didn't even kill most of the leaders when she found them. She was a nice person.
One of these trolls she didn't kill was a psiioniic. He was very stupid, because he believed all of that nonsense about trolls being equals. On the other hand, he was also very talented. And he was very nearly the right size to fit in the engine room of her ship. Once she removed a few of pokey-out bits, he'd be perfect. It was love at first sight.
Every day, the empress would go down to her engine room and sit and talk to him. She would tell him about her plans for the future of the empire. She would tell him about the bad dreams she had during the day. She would tell him how attractive he looked in those goggles. It was nice to have someone to talk to who didn't expect anything of her, the way her admirals and courtiers did. It was nice to have someone who didn't try to explain to her how she was wrong without directly telling her that she was wrong.
The only thing the psiioniic ever said to her was, "suck my bulge, ii'm a 2hiip."
The empress extended his life so that he wouldn't have to die young, but would instead live forever with her. Together, they drove the battleship all the way across the galaxy, and added even more planets to her empire. They were an unbeatable team.
And still, the only thing the psiioniic ever said to her was, "suck my bulge, ii'm a 2hiip."
Until one day, the empress was amazed to discover that when the psiioniic said "suck my bulge," what he meant was, "ii love you."
And she never had to be alone again.