John could not believe he was doing this. Ever since he was a foal he’d always been told not to go into the Everfree Forest, and yet here he was, standing at the entrance, saddlebag packed with about two days’ worth of supplies.
His companion for this venture hadn’t arrived yet, despite it already being half an hour after their proposed meeting time, and John was getting antsy. The dark maw of the forest was growing more and more intimidating by the minute and John’s resolve was shrinking at roughly the same rate.
“Maybe he forgot,” John said to himself. “He’s not here yet, so that must mean he’s not coming, and even if he is, he can’t really expect me to have waited this long. I’m sure it won’t be a problem if I just turned around and left-oomph!” John’s escape was cut short when he collided head on into another pony, causing him to fall squarely on his rump.
“Trying to run away Egbert?” The other pony asked, and John was forced to suppress a groan. This pony was none other than the one he’d been waiting for, Dirk Strider, eldest Strider brother and currently the biggest thorn in John’s side. Ever since he’d come up from Hooveston to visit (and possibly torture) his younger brother he’d done nothing but get on John case for not having his cutie mark yet. Things reached their ultimate climax when John, in a bout of frustration had challenged him to do something about it if it bothered him so much, which is how he had ended up in his current predicament.
John rose to his feet and flapped his wings a couple times to straighten out any ruffled feathers. “I wasn’t running away, I just got tired of waiting, you’re more than half an hour late.”
“Huh,” Dirk said, giving him the smuggest of Strider smirks. “You’d think you’d be used to waiting, considering how much waiting you’ve been doing for your cutie mark.”
“Would you cut it out with the cutie mark comments?” John growled, this was seriously getting on his nerves. “And speaking of cuties marks how is this ‘excursions’ into the forest supposed to help me get mine?”
“Listen kid, getting your cutie mark is all about finding yourself. And there is no better way for a colt to find himself than by getting down and dirty with the elements, It’s how Dave got his cutie mark, and it’s how I got mine. Now did you bring everything I told you to bring?” John nodded, begrudgingly. “Good, now let’s get going.” Dirk said, trotting off into the forest, John had no choice but to follow him, not if he wanted to put an end to his constant mockery.
~~~~~~~~~
Two hours in and John had decided that maybe this whole adventure wasn’t such a terrible thing after all. Sure, he was spending it with Dirk of all ponies, but really they hadn’t stumbled into anything more dangerous than some poison ivy and the feeling of the dark forest moss between his hooves was actually quite pleasant. John still didn’t know get how this was going to get him his cutie mark, but he was definitely feeling much more amicable to finding out.
Suddenly Dirk went very stiff, ears pricking to full alert and horn starting to spark slightly. “Time for your first face-off with the elements dude,” he said, before he vanished into thin air.
John looked around wildly for him wondering where on earth he’d suddenly gone. He didn’t have much time to contemplate the matter however, probably because he was quickly distracted by something very long and fury colliding with his face. John bucked, loosening the thing’s grip long enough to dislodge it from his face. It was quick to come back for round two however, sharp cat-like claws started to rake at his hindquarters while its snakelike body wrapped itself around his forelegs. John bucked bucket again, but this time to no avail. He instead resorted to different measures, grabbing the thing with his teeth and pulling it bodily from his leg.
“Owwww,” the thing yowled. “That hurts!” John instinctively dropped it.
“Oh man, sorry about that, didn’t mean to…wait a second, why am I apologizing for hurting you? You attacked me! Shouldn’t I have just kept going or something?”
The thing giggled. “You’re a pawfully silly pony. But you did let go when I asked you to, so I guess I should do the same.” The tight pressure around John’s legs disappeared, as the thing slithered down to the ground in front of him. John blinked.
“Wait…you’re not going to continue attacking me?”
“I only attacked you because you looked so yummy, I thought you’d an awesome snack” it said, licking at its right paw. “But I think you’re probably a lot sillier and nicer than you tasty, so I’ve decided I don’t make you into a snack after all.”
“Errrr, thank you?” John said. What else were you supposed to say to a carnivorous half-cat half-snake monster that had just told you it didn’t want you for dinner anymore?
“You’re welcome,” she said, so unironically John swore he could feel Dave rolling in his future grave. “I’m Nepeta by the way, Nepeta the Tatzelwurm.”
“Oh umm, I’m John.” This was getting more and more surreal.
“It’s nice to meet you John Pony! I can tell were gonna be furriends.”
~~~~~~~~~
“I can’t believe you made friends with it!” Dirk exclaimed, sometime later as they continued their journey along the forest path, now accompanied by Nepeta.
“It’s ‘she’ not ‘it’ and I can’t believe you just left me there to fight off a wild monster by myself!” Said “wild monster” was currently riding on John’s back and rummaging through his saddle bag. The occasional cried of exclamation or delight could be heard whenever she ran into something particularly intriguing.
“It’s all part of exposing you to the elements dude, but apparently the elements weren’t in the mood for to being exposed to just yet. It doesn’t really matter though, looks like there’s another opportunity just up ahead.” Dirk raised one of his front hooves, indicating a small river just up ahead, blocking them from moving further along the path.
“Over there is a Kap-“
“Yo-dee-lay-ee-hoo!” Nepeta shrieked at the noise and dove behind one of John’s wings, hissing.
“What…precisely is that?” Dirk asked, giving John the most unamused of looks.
John grinned. “Oh that, that’s my yodeling pickle! Isn’t it cool? You’d actually probably like him, seeing as how you’re so into puppets and all.” Nepeta, feeling a bit more courageous now that she knew what the thing was, began scrimmaging through John’s satchel, looking for the pickle so that she could examine it more closely.
“While I’m sure much ironic amusement can be drawn from a ‘yodeling pickle’, don’t go putting it on the same tier as puppets. A yodeling pickle can only hope to someday be privileged enough to yodel its own ode to the great majesty that is puppets, never could it possibly even dream of joining even the lowest echelons of their ranks.”
“Okay, okay, I got you, puppets are awesome.” John said waving one of his wings at Dirk dismissively. “So what’s up with the river over there? Is this going to be another case of me ‘facing the elements’.
“Yes actually, I’m going to give you a heads up, cause I’m such a nice guy like that, and tell you that currently living in that river is a kappa. A water demon that requires not strength to defeat but wit and-“
“Oh man a Kappa! I learned about those in school. They like cucumbers right? Oh man this is the perfectly time to use my yodeling pickle! I have you found it yet Nepeta?”
“Yup, I’ve got it.”
“Oh man this is gonna be awesome, can you imagine the look on his face when we give him what he thinks is a nice juicy cucumber, only to discover all it does is yodel when he tries to eat it? Alright, let’s go meet this kappa!” John bounded off, leaving Dirk still hovering over his last word.
Dirk sighed, before trotting a bit off course to cross the river at another point, if the kid needed help after pissing off the kappa with his fake cucumber, he’d be able double back and strike the demon from behind. What Dirk failed to noticed, as he planned out the kid’s rescue in his head, was how oddly colored the patch of leaves he was walking through seemed to be.
The kappa was already waiting for them by the riverbed when John and Nepeta arrived. It hadn’t been hard to predict they were coming from all the commotion they’d been causing. He stepped right into his routine as soon as they came to a stop, it’d been so long since he’d been able to use it.
“Alright assholes, if you think you’re going one step farther, think again! This is my river and if you think for one second I’m letting you cross it you’re going to being pretty fucking disappointed.”
John, too wrapped up with the anticipation of his brilliant prank, didn’t even register the demon’s rant, and instead greeted him with a cheery voice and a bright smile. “Well hello there Mr. Kappa, how are you doing today?”
The kappa didn’t even miss a beat, “Pretty fucking terrible now that you two idiots have shown up to disturb what was turning out to be a pretty goddamn peaceful afternoon, which if you know anything about this forest is a pretty difficult to come by.”
“Oh wow, that’s too bad. Actually I feel really bad about ruining your day like that. Why don’t I make it up to you with a gift?” John had to bite his tongue to keep from snickering…oh this was such a good prank.
The kappa looked skeptical “A gift, what in Equestria could a horse-brain like you possibly have that might actually be useful, or even entertaining to me?”
“You’re right, my mistake, how could such a noble demon such as you enjoy something as simplistic as a cucumber. It was wrong of me to even suggest giving it to you.” John had to bite his tongue even more as the kappa’s eyes widened in obvious interest.
“Wait, wait, don’t be so hasty, I never said I didn’t want what you idiots had. You guys still owe me for ruining me day, I’m not gonna let you walk away without some kind of retribution! And if all you have is a cucumber well then I guess I’ll just have to accept that as your payment.”
“Very well then,” John said, the edges of his mouth starting quiver. “You heard him Nepeta, give him the cucumber.”
“Right, John Pony, I’ve got it right here-woops.” The yodeling pickle slipped from Nepeta’s grasp as she handed it to the kappa and fell towards the water. Both Nepeta and the Kappa reached for it out of instinct, but neither successfully managed to get a hold of it before it was swept away by the river.
“Oh sorry about that Mr. Kappa, I didn’t mean to drop your yodeli-I mean cucumber.” Nepeta and John both raised their heads to look back at the kappa, the kappa, however, remained in a bent position hand reached out towards the water as if the pickle would magically appear within his claws if he kept it there long enough.
“Errr…Mr. Kappa?” John said prodding the kappa with his hoof. “You can look up now, the cucumber isn’t going to come back.”
The kappa let out an annoyed sigh. “Shit, shit shit shit. I can’t believe I’m such a complete dumbdumb! I can’t believe I fell for such an overused trick.”
“Ummm, what are you talking about?” John asked, thoroughly confused, his prank hadn’t gone through successfully, what was the kappa hitting himself in the head about?
“I let my water drain dumbass.”
“Err what?”
“My water! Okay, look, see this bowl shaped crevice on top of my head? Well usually that thing is filled with water, in fact I can’t even fucking move unless it is! Notice how it’s not filled with water right now? Well that’s cause I lunged for a your pickle like a complete idiot and spilled all of the water that was inner there.”
John furrowed his brow. “Wait, so, you’re saying, you can’t move? Like at all?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying you imbecile! How long is it gonna take me to get drilled into your horsy skull?”
“Oh man dude, I didn’t mean to paralyze you or anything. Is there anything I can do to reverse it or something like that?”
“Actually, yeah, it’s pretty damn easy. You just got refill my bowl with more water, but I don’t see why you would do that considering I’m a dangerous demon who was trying to block you from getting across the river and…oh!” John had already begun pouring the contents of his water canister into the crevice of the kappa’s ahead. The kappa, slowly began to flex and stretch his muscles, until he once more and full control of his motor functions. “Alright then…I guess I gotta thank you little pony for getting me out of that tight spot.”
John merely shrugged. “Don’t mention it, I just didn’t think it seemed right to leave you stuck there is all, my name is John by the way, what’s yours?”
The kappa opened his mouth to respond, but before he could a sound he was interrupted by the noise of a large splash from somewhere up the river.
“Great.” The kappa sighed. ”Looks like somebody’s fallen into my river.”
“Well then, I guess we better go save them.” John said, readying his wings for takeoff.
“Sounds like the purrfect plan to me.” Nepeta agreed.