In Which Karkat Vantas Comes Down With a Case of the Cosby
(Daveā Karkat)
Stepping through the hallowed halls of the grey meteor, Karkat Vantas finds a treasure chest. Unlike the 20 billion he left behind him, completely unopened due to the sheer stupidity of the concept, Karkat pauses at this particular lock. It's argyle. Argyle in clashing primary colors. His Kanaya sensibilities make him shudder with boiling rage as he touches the woolen texture of the edging. There is no way she will believe this inanimate monstrosity actually exists on the meteor.
Out of sheer horror, he opens the box. What lies inside is worse than any punishment the Grand Highblood could deal out. It's a sweater. A knit sweater. Karkat is vaguely aware this sweater represents everything awful about the human time period known as "the 80's," but that's not why this swath of fabric is the worst thing he's ever laid his globulars on.
It changes. The pattern on the thing changes every few seconds. Each pattern is worse than the last. A 12th Perigee's Eve scene with meowbeasts, neutral toned squares with plaid printing, a scene of a family in a hive, the list keeps growing. Karkat stares in horror as each iteration of the pattern flashes into his thinkpan. Sweet flying assholes, the look on Kanaya's face if she sees this... No, even better, the look on Dave's face.
Karkat smiles. Wearing this thing might be worth the pain if it means seeing what his comrades will do.
----------
yo flower of my life and bane of my loins you wouldnt happen to know where shitfaced mcbitchtroll is
Oh, Karkat? Why? Are you reconsidering his erotic threesome offer?
goddammit no i mean why would i even consider that bullshit i know my dick is in high demand like the stock market is rising baby better buy all the tickets for huge cock company because the strider bull market is going strong no but really i just want to see if he dug up anything on the meteor im as bored as hell and im not going to take this anymore
A scream echoes from across the hallway.
Sounds like you're in luck, Dave.
Kanaya is standing with her hands on her face, mouth gaping open at the horror of her friend. Karkat is struggling wildly, trying to pull off the godawful sweater.
holy shit
Is that-
Karkat Vantas You Get That Disaster Off Of Your Body Immediately Or I Will Be Forced To Remove It Using The Technique I Like To Call The Eridan Ampora
I'M ZIP ZOP ZOOBITY TRYING OKAY? IT'S NOT HIP HOPPING COMING OFF.
Rose and Dave fall to the floor, laughing loud enough to wake the dead.
WHAT IN THE JAZZY ZAZAZA'S ARE YOU HIP KIDDIES LAUGHING ABOUT? THIS IS SOME SORT OF GOO GOO GA CURSE, OKAY. SERIOUS FLIP FLOPPITY BUSINESS.
Dave manages to squeak out a comment through the tears.
hey hahahaha hey karkat you know what i like to play hahaha pokemon
Everyone can see Karkat's face twisting in pain as he tries to resist the inevitable reply.
P- PPP- POKEYMAHN!!!
Rose and Dave clutch at their stomachs in pain as they roll on the floor screeching.
YOU UNDIGNIFIED PIGGY PIG KIDDOS! I TOLD YOU WAY BACK IN THE BEFORE TIMES WITH THE JAZZ AND THE HUMMING THAT THIS IS SERIOUS! ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU YOUPIE-DO STRIDER. YOU ARE ZIPPIN' ZIP PATHETIC.
hahahaha oh this is fucking rich haha
Oh, hahaha, oh Karkat. You appear to have come down with the case of the-
hahaha
The Cosbies.
More screeching is heard from the humans as Kanaya and Karkat stare dumbfounded.
How Does He Cure This Unfortunate Disease
Rose sits up, wiping tears from her eyes.
Hmm, well, I suppose you just have to take off the sweater.
AND HOW DO I GO ABOUT ZOOMING THE SWEATIN' SWEATER OFF OF ME?
oh gosh karkat keep talking please
NO NO NOPEADOOP.
Rose tries to cough away the laughter. It doesn't work very well.
Just taking a guess here, but that sweater probably represents all that is Bill Cosby. In fact, I would say this garment is the essence of Cosby, so we should blast it with the direct opposite force to neutralise the power. Dave, help me think of something that's the opposite of the Cosby Show.
wow okay put this topic on the list of "conversations i never thought id be having ever" so the cosby show is all like family friendly and 80s and shit i can think of like twenty different things that are the opposite of family friendly that we could subject karkat to like bukkake
Um, no. I don't think we have to resort to such extreme measures. Although I'm glad the first thing you think of when discussing non-family friendly forms of meida is bukkake. I will never forget this.
great
I think just a butt grab or something along those lines will do. Dave, grab Karkat's rump.
what no what why me why not kanaya
The homoerotic activity of this action would bump the television rating another step.
who are these rating council members and why are they so homophobic
Just grab the rump, Dave.
Dave makes spirit fingers movements at a statuesque Karkat. Karkat's face begins to sweat from the pain of keeping his mouth shut. Dave moves his hand steadily downwards, pausing around the outer thigh of the troll. Karkat begins to struggle, but Kanaya smacks him lightly on the back of his head.
MMMPHZIPPITYMMPH
Dave continues around the thigh of Karkat, pausing slightly above the plump right buttcheek of the troll. He wiggles his fingers again as Karkat squirms.
He presses down with a strong grab, strong enough to throw ten trees at a caber toss. Karkat squeaks as the sweater stops on a cheery scene with a snowman. He punches Dave in the face.
THAT IS FOR FUCKING WITH ME WHEN I WAS UNDER A CURSE WORSE THAN BEING PURSUED BY A MURDEROUS CLOWN.
yeah youre welcome buddy
The sweater is still there, somewhere, hidden under piles of discarded coffee mugs and wizard fanfiction.
Memories of the 80's, Cosby, and sweet sweet rump grabs.
FILL: TEAM JADE<3KARKAT
In Which Karkat Vantas Comes Down With a Case of the Cosby
(Daveā Karkat)
Stepping through the hallowed halls of the grey meteor, Karkat Vantas finds a treasure chest. Unlike the 20 billion he left behind him, completely unopened due to the sheer stupidity of the concept, Karkat pauses at this particular lock. It's argyle. Argyle in clashing primary colors. His Kanaya sensibilities make him shudder with boiling rage as he touches the woolen texture of the edging. There is no way she will believe this inanimate monstrosity actually exists on the meteor.
Out of sheer horror, he opens the box. What lies inside is worse than any punishment the Grand Highblood could deal out. It's a sweater. A knit sweater. Karkat is vaguely aware this sweater represents everything awful about the human time period known as "the 80's," but that's not why this swath of fabric is the worst thing he's ever laid his globulars on.
It changes. The pattern on the thing changes every few seconds. Each pattern is worse than the last. A 12th Perigee's Eve scene with meowbeasts, neutral toned squares with plaid printing, a scene of a family in a hive, the list keeps growing. Karkat stares in horror as each iteration of the pattern flashes into his thinkpan. Sweet flying assholes, the look on Kanaya's face if she sees this... No, even better, the look on Dave's face.
Karkat smiles. Wearing this thing might be worth the pain if it means seeing what his comrades will do.
----------
yo flower of my life and bane of my loins you wouldnt happen to know where shitfaced mcbitchtroll is
Oh, Karkat? Why? Are you reconsidering his erotic threesome offer?
goddammit no i mean why would i even consider that bullshit
i know my dick is in high demand like the stock market is rising baby better buy all the tickets for huge cock company
because the strider bull market is going strong
no but really i just want to see if he dug up anything on the meteor
im as bored as hell and im not going to take this anymore
A scream echoes from across the hallway.
Sounds like you're in luck, Dave.
Kanaya is standing with her hands on her face, mouth gaping open at the horror of her friend. Karkat is struggling wildly, trying to pull off the godawful sweater.
holy shit
Is that-
Karkat Vantas You Get That Disaster Off Of Your Body Immediately Or I Will Be Forced To Remove It Using The Technique I Like To Call
The Eridan Ampora
I'M ZIP ZOP ZOOBITY TRYING OKAY? IT'S NOT HIP HOPPING COMING OFF.
Rose and Dave fall to the floor, laughing loud enough to wake the dead.
WHAT IN THE JAZZY ZAZAZA'S ARE YOU HIP KIDDIES LAUGHING ABOUT? THIS IS SOME SORT OF GOO GOO GA CURSE, OKAY. SERIOUS FLIP FLOPPITY BUSINESS.
Dave manages to squeak out a comment through the tears.
hey
hahahaha
hey karkat
you know what i like to play
hahaha
pokemon
Everyone can see Karkat's face twisting in pain as he tries to resist the inevitable reply.
P-
PPP-
POKEYMAHN!!!
Rose and Dave clutch at their stomachs in pain as they roll on the floor screeching.
YOU UNDIGNIFIED PIGGY PIG KIDDOS! I TOLD YOU WAY BACK IN THE BEFORE TIMES WITH THE JAZZ AND THE HUMMING THAT THIS IS SERIOUS! ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU YOUPIE-DO STRIDER. YOU ARE ZIPPIN' ZIP PATHETIC.
hahahaha oh this is fucking rich haha
Oh, hahaha, oh Karkat. You appear to have come down with the case of the-
hahaha
The Cosbies.
More screeching is heard from the humans as Kanaya and Karkat stare dumbfounded.
How Does He Cure This Unfortunate Disease
Rose sits up, wiping tears from her eyes.
Hmm, well, I suppose you just have to take off the sweater.
AND HOW DO I GO ABOUT ZOOMING THE SWEATIN' SWEATER OFF OF ME?
oh gosh karkat keep talking please
NO NO NOPEADOOP.
Rose tries to cough away the laughter. It doesn't work very well.
Just taking a guess here, but that sweater probably represents all that is Bill Cosby. In fact, I would say this garment is the essence of Cosby, so we should blast it with the direct opposite force to neutralise the power. Dave, help me think of something that's the opposite of the Cosby Show.
wow okay put this topic on the list of "conversations i never thought id be having ever"
so the cosby show is all like family friendly and 80s and shit
i can think of like twenty different things that are the opposite of family friendly that we could subject karkat to
like bukkake
Um, no. I don't think we have to resort to such extreme measures.
Although I'm glad the first thing you think of when discussing non-family friendly forms of meida is bukkake.
I will never forget this.
great
I think just a butt grab or something along those lines will do. Dave, grab Karkat's rump.
what no what
why me why not kanaya
The homoerotic activity of this action would bump the television rating another step.
who are these rating council members and why are they so homophobic
Just grab the rump, Dave.
Dave makes spirit fingers movements at a statuesque Karkat. Karkat's face begins to sweat from the pain of keeping his mouth shut. Dave moves his hand steadily downwards, pausing around the outer thigh of the troll. Karkat begins to struggle, but Kanaya smacks him lightly on the back of his head.
MMMPHZIPPITYMMPH
Dave continues around the thigh of Karkat, pausing slightly above the plump right buttcheek of the troll. He wiggles his fingers again as Karkat squirms.
He presses down with a strong grab, strong enough to throw ten trees at a caber toss. Karkat squeaks as the sweater stops on a cheery scene with a snowman. He punches Dave in the face.
THAT IS FOR FUCKING WITH ME WHEN I WAS UNDER A CURSE WORSE THAN BEING PURSUED BY A MURDEROUS CLOWN.
yeah youre welcome buddy
The sweater is still there, somewhere, hidden under piles of discarded coffee mugs and wizard fanfiction.
Memories of the 80's, Cosby, and sweet sweet rump grabs.