hs_olympics | BONUS ROUND 1

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bonus round

BONUS ROUND 1

Bonus Round 1

Genre-Mixing

Hey, shippers! Welcome to your very first bonus round proper--we hope you have lots of fun with it! This time around we're going to be asking you to mix it up a little--each fanwork posted for this round will be a mish-mash of two different genres, blended together in a delightful incestuous slurry to create an UNSTOPPABLE CREATIVE CONCOCTION--er. Or. Something.

Yeah, we're genre-mixing. That's what we're doing this round.

Rules

Submit prompts! Prompts should consist of two different genres and one ship. This cannot be your team's ship! These are worth 5 points each, for a maximum of 100 points per team.

Look through the prompts and fill whichever you like!

You may not fill prompts for your ship, nor may you fill your own team's prompts.

Fills should be posted as replies to the prompts which they are for, following the format below. They may be any medium.

Title Format
If you are starting a new thread, please use this format in your title.

Replace [YOUR SHIP] with the name of the team YOU belong to; please use the characters and quadrant, not whatever portmanteau or nickname you've come up with.
If your team name is not in this format and in the title we cannot guarantee that it will be counted.

If you are filling a prompt, use this format in your title.

Replace [YOUR SHIP] with the name of the team YOU belong to; please use the characters and quadrant, not whatever portmanteau or nickname you've come up with.
If your team name is not in this format and in the title we cannot guarantee that it will be counted.

Posts not using this format in the title will be understood to be unofficial discussion posts, no matter what they contain. They, like all comments on the comm, are subject to the Wank Policy.

Scoring
For prompt posts: 5 points each (maximum of 100 per team)

For fills (as stated here):
First 5 entries in each post: 30 (per entry)
Entries 6-10 in each post: 20 (per entry)
Entries 11-15 in each post: 10 (per entry)
Entries 16+ in each post: 5 (per entry)

All scored content must be created/assembled new for this round.

If you have any questions, please ask them at the FAQ post here, or email them to us (homestuck.shipping at gmail). Otherwise, we cannot guarantee that we will see them in a timely fashion!

Page 68 of 146

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

oh my god i am DYING this is so great

Ahhh! Five, you're seriously the best. Lovely prompt, Excellent fill. <3

oh my god somebody fill this I would but I can't

That was beautifully sad, everything I could have hoped for and more. Thank you so much!

aaaahhh oh my god that was so perfect ;_; <333 thank you so much glfkdgj;ldkfjg

historical au and childhood friend romance for Eridan<3Kanaya<3Karkat?? :D

Okay, this ... got really out of hand. Tags: character death, nausea.

the images of objects opposed

IOANNES EKBATOS
not boasting many decades of years, but many hundreds of victories

"It'll be fine," Ioannes says, his eyes bright with excitement. "You're seriously just jealous because no one's given a crap about the Reds since the birth of Our Lord. And even then He probably didn't. He was probably like, 'the Blues are the best, FYI, okay ttyl time to get resurrected.'"

David stares at him. "Okay, let me try this again," he says, in small words so Ioannes will understand. "My sister, the one in the veil, the one who got us run out of Yafo, the one with the visions from God, that sister? That sister thinks you are going to die."

"Um, Dave," Ioannes says, nicely, "your sister also thinks we'll all die horribly if you and I don't make out."

"Okay, whoa now, I'm not making any sweeping claims for her rationality here--"

"Anyway, it's a chariot race. Somebody always dies!"

"Yes!" David says. "And it is going to be you! You need to get your ass out of that thing or I swear I will cut your damn ankle off!"

"Pssh. All walk and no talk. I'll see you after the race. I'll get you your own litter, it's great!" Ioannes calls back, as the slaves move on, and David thumps his head against the side of a building, wondering how he can start a riot in honor of the pointless upcoming murder of his best friend without getting his whole quarter massacred. He's pretty sure he can't.

*

Daub ibn Dimah
he flew faster than a crow in flight and fell harder than a stone.

This is not Yahya's favorite ever excuse to visit Daud, so he's grateful when the guy doesn't greet him but keeps a steady eye on his tabl. He's got the daf sitting on the end table and every so often diverts the rhythm to add a high, jingling note. "Your sister around?" he says, flattening his palm for a rolling rumble. "This really needs some shit-tastic shabbaba to round it off."

"Or some awesome qanun," Yahya says, loyally. "Listen. This is about your-- your-- agggh, what did you call it?"

"If you don't even give me a noun I'm gonna have real trouble guessing," Daud says. He slams the heel of his hand into the tabl one last time, and looks up. "My sick compositions? My heretical mosaics? My incredibly handsome nose?"

Yahya forcibly restrains himself from focusing in on the last one. "No! The wing…floaty… thing you're going to try out in front of the emir and then die in!"

"Oh," says Daud, with a crooked grin. "Yeah, I'm just calling that a 'glider' now."

"Look. You know how Jawharah is with engineering," Yahya says, sitting in front of Daud so he can't do that thing he does where he turns around and pretends if no one can see his expressions they don't exist. "You know your water clock would've been for shit if she hadn't helped you, dude! And she's said like a million times that this thing is a death trap."

Daud's face darkens. "Yeah," he says. "Thanks for your concern. It's awesome to know that my friends don't trust me to do basically fuck-all on my own."

Yahya pulls at his hair. "None of us are any good at doing basically fuck-all on our own. That's the whole reason you have friends."

"Apparently," Daud says, "the reason I have friends is so they can shit on my public debut." And he gets up and goes to find his brother.

*

HIC REQVIESCIVNT IOHS DE EGBERT ET DAVID DE ST RICHIER

The night before they sack Toulouse, Jean comes into Davy's tent when he's still checking over his armor. He ignores Davy's rambling greetings, or his comic stylings in the face of Jean's silence, and even his references to some kicking ballads which he wrote himself, and awkwardly unlaces the top couple of rows of his chemise, and makes out with him for twenty minutes.

"That's the first time I've ever done that," Jean says, afterwards, when they're both panting in disbelief.

"What--seriously?" Davy demands. "You're fucking with me, right? You've been in this army for five years, you're sixteen years old, and you've never hopped on a dick. I'm kind of embarrassed for you. They're everywhere. You can't throw a rock without hitting someone in a dick and having to fight a duel because seriously, can we discuss the word 'underequipped', I swear to God my armor is made out of like ninety percent rust. I'm killing this moment, aren't I."

"A little bit," Jean says, wearing, if possible, a stupider grin. "It's okay, though."

"You ever met my sister?" Davy begins, but Jean decides that's one ruining step too far and kisses him again and it's dawn before he gets out another inanity. He's distracted all through the battle, distracted right up until the arrow hits.

*

"I've figured it out," Ruža says, breathless. "I've got it, I have finally, after misstep after misstep, life after life, David, I have got it. No thanks to you or your hapless romantic misadventures. We need to go."

"Uh, hi," David says. "What's up? I'm working on this load of grain that we need to ship to Morocco, thanks. No, no, no lesions today. You? It's good to see you in good health. Great, glad we had this talk. By the way, I've had a prophecy babbling deficit, you think you could make that up?"

"You have never had any kind of babbling deficit in your life," his sister says. "How quickly can you get two people out of quarantine?"

"A couple of days, I guess." David thinks about ruses. "Yeah, I mean, it depends on who they are. They Jewish? We can smuggle 'em in with Terezija's friends."

Ruža paces. "It'll have to do," she says. "They're due to be infected in two days' time. You'd better get your timing right."

"Well," he says, with a grin. "That's my jam."

Their names are Jonatan and Jabuka, brother and sister passing for husband and wife. They're from a trading family with a house on the Bosphorus, and their matriarch and patriarch and closest kin are dead. They've set up comfortable camp in the quarantine, patrolled by Jabuka's great white hound, who doesn't seem to mind the confinement. It's pretty easy to guess where the vector of infection will pass.

It costs David the better part of three months' take to alter their names on the quarantine, but it's doable, which gives him pause. Maybe Dubrovnik isn't the safest place in the world right now. Maybe Ruža's got the right idea when she says they need to book it out of here with the strangers. Maybe, maybe. She's commissioned them a boat, which, hell no, she knows he gets seasick, but she ignores his various complaints and bundles their guests aboard without giving them time to find out what's happening. "Is this the ferry to the city?" Jabuka says, with a hopeful smile, and David tilts his head in what isn't too much of a lie.

Ruža points them out to sea.

"Okay," Jonatan says, coming up to the deck. "So, I don't know if you've noticed this, because you kind of look like a massive landlubber and also you're like, bright green right now. But we're sailing into the Mediterranean."

"Yeah," David says. He leans heavily on the rail. "You're really going to have to take it up with my sister. I'm just the bribing half of this kidnapping expedition."

"That isn't…" Jonatan says. After a moment, he comes up next to David, hauling him more or less upright. He's got strong arms, and smells pretty good for a dude who's been in quarantine for thirty days. He says, "The thing is, you look super familiar, and I know I've never met you before in my life."

"I am not spending the next six months waiting for you two to figure out the structure of the curse laid on us," Ruža announces, from the prow. "John, meet Dave. Dave, meet John. We're skipping wildly through the timeline of our world's history as it rewrites itself into a tolerable fascimile of a 'good end', which according to our sadistic game overlords means a world without the paradoxical origins of our friendship. I thought a fairytale attendance to the trappings of romanticism would solve the problem, but apparently not. What we need to do is stick together. Close together. As close to our point of mythic origin as possible. Jade's Hellmurder Island."

"I don't understand anything you just said," David tells her. "Like, at all."

Ruža lets out a puff of annoyance. "You no longer have to make out with him to save the world. You simply have not to die."

"Okay," Jonatan says, cautiously. He raises a hand. "Can we make out?"

"Dude, I don't even know you."

"Yeah, but come on, we're sixteen and I've been kidnapped and you're pretty hot," Jonatan says. "Life is short."

"Yes, you can engage in whatever sexual antics you like," Ruža says, dismissively. "I need to go. I believe Jabuka is trying to build a lifeboat out of the silks in the cargo."

Jonatan turns to David, eyes dancing. "So?" he says. "That sounds pretty good, right?"

For some reason, the part that sounds best to David is the part where Jonatan doesn't die for six months, but fuck if he's going to say that out loud. "Sure," he says. "As soon as I'm done throwing up seductively over the side of this boat."

"Oh. Yeah," Jonatan says. He puts a cool hand on the back of David's neck. "It helps if you don't close your eyes."

David shivers.

Edited 2012-06-13 19:51 (UTC)

hhHH OH MY GOD SO GOOD WOW ;;;___;;;

I hope i did this right uvu. Imagine some kind of post apocalyptic world where UU is in the rebels army or sth and uu is just.... uu with robot parts.
-------

A letter is lying on the floor. She picks it up.

-HEY SIS
JuST LETTING You KNOW THAT I FOuND You.
AS IN I KNOW WHERE You ARE.
RuN SIS RuN!-

Her heart stops beating for a second before she crunches the note and growls through bared teeth.
She gets a pen out of the chest pocket of her Jacket and takes an empty piece of paper.

-fUck yoU.
so what? shoUld i be scared now?
jUst come brother
if yoU dare get near my gUns.-

She puts the note back on the floor and leaves the deserted ruins of a house she had found shelter for the night in.

He picks up the note and an insane grin spreads across his face. He knows what he wants and he’s about to get it. His hand vaporizes the note as soon as he finished reading it. He then proceeds following her trace.
The sound of metal walking on earth sends her spinning around but she can’t see anything except the wasteland that was once her planet. She lowers the gun she had drawn in order to shoot whoever got near her.
A note lands on her head instead. She takes it.

-I CAN SEE YOu SIS.
NICE GuNS INDEED.
BuT THEY WON’T HELP YOu AGAINST MY
BARE HANDS.
HAH HAH HAH-

She tears the paper apart in a rush of fury and screams.
She can hear laughter from somewhere and she moves around frantically, growling and cussing at the person she can’t see.

“Get out you prick and fight me already!” she screeches.
He smiles and steps forward from behind the corner of a building.
She turns around the moment he stepped out and glares at him a snarl escaping her throat.
In the next moment he’s on her and she’s screeching because she didn’t expect him to have new metallic limbs. “Who turned you into a cyborg??!” she yells and tries to fight him off.
“Oh you’d like to know wouldn’t you. But I won’t reveal this twist just yet.” He answers before he starts laughing again.
This sets her off and she pulls her gun out, pointing it to his forehead. “You better stop right now!!” she says and he does.
He has pinned her to the ground his fist about to crush into her face and her gun pointed to his face. “Stalemate” he says and grins.
Neither of them moves.
Blood is dripping down her cheek and she can see he has cuts on his neck.
He then pulls back and jumps up in almost a heartbeat before turning his back and walking away.
She drags herself up and brushes dirt off her uniform before glaring after him. He turns his head around and says: “Next time it’ll be checkmate sis”

She just grunts and puts her gun away.
She looks after him until he has vanished. She then turns and prepares to finish the mission she had been selected for.

She knew they’d meet again soon enough.

Edited 2012-06-13 18:57 (UTC)

Dirk <3 Jake

Superheroes + Fairy-tale

ok i hope i did this prompt some kind of justice 8,)

oops this came out rly huge im sorry m(_ _)m"

I was creeping and I thought this prompt looked interesting. And, wow, it was so cute! I love that Dad had no idea what to do with the car but he tried anyway. And that part about filling the void was perfect! So cute!

Gamzee <3 John
ghost story + cyberpunk

This.... is literally the best thing ever.
I screamed and flipped my shit.
Thank you so much! Oh my god, gonna save the heck outta this!

BAHAHAHAHA. Well played.

THIS WAS AMAZING. You are a wonderful person for creating this thing of ultimate beauty.

thanks! c:

thanks, i'm glad you like it! it was fun to draw uvu

wow hi I really hope this is what you were looking for?? I've never written anything like this, so I hope you like it c:>

-----------------------------------------------------

Karkat had heard the legends. Everyone had. At this point they were more like children's fairytales than actual legends, told to sleepy-eyed youngsters before cuddling up for bed and giving them pleasant dreams of adventure and mysterious beautiful creatures that roamed the deep waters. Indeed, mertrolls were a common story amongst residents of the oceanside town he was visiting.

He'd studied merfolk for more years than he'd care to admit, and it had come to be a prominent fixation in his life (though he'd never admit that, either). But Karkat hadn't come to the town for cutesy tales of whimsy. He was more interested in the darker side of the legends that didn't quite make the cut when it came to watered-down bedtime stories.

The mertrolls Karkat was familiar with were not affectionate. They didn't frolic near the surface and greet tourists with a happy wave of their tailfin. They weren't best friends with fish and otters and other cuddly sea critters. They didn't sing, they didn't dance, they didn't rejoice in the highest of spirits.

They did, however, grab you fiercely by the wrist, drag you beneath the surface, and abduct you to their underwater dwelling. And they did it silently at that, flashing only a luminescent row of razor sharp teeth as they pulled you down, down.

His vision was fuzzy and he struggled to remain conscious, but the burning of his lungs assured Karkat that he'd been under for a few minutes already. The frigid water caused his skin to prickle as if he were being stuck by millions of needles, and the brief notion he'd had to try and free himself was quickly extinguished. Losing feeling in his limbs and cheeks, he began to fade into unconsciousness.

As if on cue (or possibly due to a rather lucky coincidence), he was brought to the surface, gasping desperately for breath now that his head was above the water. He vaguely acknowledged that his captor still had a firm hold on him, and this fact became increasingly evident as his thoughts began to clear and he became aware of the pointed claws acutely digging into the skin of his wrist. But before he had the mind to start struggling again, he was yanked rather forcefully up onto an outcropping and the grip on him was released.

For a moment the fact that he was just unexpectedly dragged underwater, almost drowned, and violently shoved onto a cold slab of rock seemed to slip his mind as he gazed around. He appeared to be in an underwater cave, with sheer cliffs for walls that ascended into darkness; he couldn't see the ceiling. The place was captivating, and as he caught his breath he was almost spellbound by his surroundings.

He was quickly brought back to reality as a gleaming pair of yellow eyes peered at him from just above the surface of the dark pool before him.

Karkat's heart leapt. "You're one of them, aren't you?" he questioned in a hushed voice, daring to crawl forward slightly toward the edge of the water. A sudden fascination overcame him as he held the unblinking gaze. "You're a mertroll."

He was met by stillness, but whether it was from a desire to remain silent or the inability to understand his language, he wasn't sure. Before he could speak again, however, the mysterious being had swiftly drifted forward in order to lift himself out of the water and onto the rock. He observed Karkat in cautious scrutiny, but his look appeared more curious than malicious. If he didn't know any better, Karkat would have thought the mertroll was just as fascinated by him as he was of the mertroll.

He really was a unique creature. From the waist up and with a frontal view, he appeared to be just like any other land dweller, but upon closer inspection, a long spiked fin ran down his spine. His fingers were carefully webbed, and he possessed an almost elegant tail marked on the end by a translucent violet fin, similar to the ones that adorned each of his cheeks. And then, of course, there was the set of long horizontal gill slits situated precisely between each of his ribs.

Karkat found himself staring at these gills in silent fixation, suddenly very aware of his own breathlessness that he'd suffered just minutes before. The mertroll studied his face for a moment before appearing to comprehend his interest, and promptly decided on some investigation of his own.

In a moment of bewilderment, Karkat was shocked to find that the other was insistently pulling at the hem of his dripping shirt. The garment was uncomfortably wrenched over his head, and he watched as it was flung aside. The mertroll assertively grasped his wrists once more in one hand and moved his arms away in order to examine Karkat's now bare chest and sides. His eyes narrowed in puzzlement at the smooth, unmarred skin between his ribs.

Though the pain of broken skin around his wrists was stinging him for the second time that night, Karkat ignored it and instead spoke evenly. "I can't breathe underwater like you," he began, realizing that his lack of oxygen filtering organs was apparently a rather strange sight. "I don't have gills."

The smile that crossed the mertroll's face was both eerily intent and somewhat sadistic. Karkat's heart rate sped up and he once again attempted to free his captive hands, but this only made the grip tighten. With his unoccupied hand, the ever-silent sea dweller began tracing slow, deliberate lines across Karkat's chest. Long pointed claws threatened to puncture his skin, and Karkat let out a low hiss as the fingers feathered over his side and dug painfully into his ribs.

In a blur of motion, a piercing agony overcame him. With a cry that came out as no more than a squeak, Karkat felt a trickle of blood begin to well up from the newly formed gash across his side. The mertroll plunged his fingers easily into the laceration, deepening the wound and lengthening it still until a long, thin line of flesh had been torn from Karkat's ribcage. Without hesitation, the claws were withdrawn and the process was repeated a few inches down, sending Karkat into a dizzying misery that only seemed to delight the mertroll even further.

"Please," Karkat managed to choke out, but his cry was cut short as his wrists were dropped and a hand pressed forcefully against his throat. He gasped for breath as his captor pushed him backward and pinned him to the rocky ground. At this point he had three gaping slashes running bright and bleeding across his left side: crude gills of his own that soon had matching counterparts on the right as the sea dweller continued.

With the increasing inability to breathe and the searing pain coursing through his body, Karkat once again began to fade from consciousness. He was vaguely aware of the mertroll removing his offending fingers from the deep cuts, and his surroundings spun as he was picked up and lifted from the ground.

He realized with all the terror he could process that now that the makeshift gills were made, the mertroll intended to test their functionality. He was carried to the edge of the pool, and through his bleary vision he could barely make out a row of pointed white teeth stretched into a fiendish grin and the amber glow of two captivating eyes.

The mertroll slowly leaned down, kissed Karkat briefly, and dropped him into the depths below.

oh he does! and ah, pretty melancholy Karkat <333

I hope this is OK;;;

Being a monster hunter isn't as glamorous as it sounds. Sure, it means a chance to tussle with creepy critters of the night, but it also entails running from the cops when you end up lighting an old house on fire by accident. Turns out that "we were cleansing it of dark forces" does not excuse you from charges of arsony. Bummer.

It's not like they ever even find something spooky to smack around half the time. The last few months especially have been more of an extended road trip than anything else, and Rose is starting to get tired of eating trail mix for every meal. Dave tells her to go try out that crossbow on a rabbit or some shit so that they can get some real meat that isn't Slim Jims, and Rose slaps him upside the head with one her trashy truck stop novels and tells him to find a place to eat.

He pulls over at a small diner a few more miles up the road, some dinky little Ma-and-Pa shtick that's supposed to feel just like home. Considering their childhood consisted of occult combat training since elementary school, they could beg to differ, but food is food. They sit at the end of the counter and share a menu since the place looks pretty busy and the waiter keeps addressing them like they're a couple when he comes to take their order. It's a common misconception and Dave has stopped trying to pull the "shes my sister" card because Rose usually just ends up saying "That didn't stop you last night," and he really doesn't want to get side-eyed at a family diner.

When Rose is halfway through her sandwich and Dave is done with his and picking fries off her plate, they overhear some gossip at the next table over. They share a look with each other and straighten up a bit on their stools, paying close attention. Apparently, someone has been trashing this diner every other night and stealing all the raw cuts of meat. It sounds suspicious enough to warrant staying over night to check it out, so they camp out in their car in the parking lot until it's dark. Once the last of the patrons have left the diner and the owners have locked up they move in.

Dave shits around with some novelty lockpicking set he picked up last week and when he somehow manages to get one of the picks lodged into the keyhole, Rose tries the old tried-and-true credit cark trick. Thankfully, the door is old enough that it actually works.

"shit i thought that was only in the movies" Rose rolls her eyes and waits for him to pack up the rest of his kit before they enter together, crossbows poised for action. Dave mumbles that they must look pretty badass right now and Rose is inclined to agree but now is not the time. The old freezer in the back is standing ajar and in the dim fluorescent lighting there seems to be something hunched inside it. Rose signals for Dave to watch her back and crouches down to creep closer, peeking over the counter to get a better look. Whatever it is seems to be feeding. There's blood pooling on the floor around its pale feet.

She ducks down again and mouths to her partner, 'Get me some salt.'

"get some what" he whispers, a little too loudly, and she shushes him.

"Salt," she hisses. He looks around the diner then grabs a shaker off the table and tosses it over. It hits the floor with a crack about a foot away from her and she fixes him with the most unimpressed look she can manage. He only shrugs. That little shit. At least it didn't break open. She crawls over to grab it and unscrews the lid, carefully pouring out the salt to make a circle around herself. Dave joins her with a gesture and once they are both enclosed in the safety circle she stands up to take aim.

The freezer is empty.

"what the fuck" Dave says somewhere over her shoulder, and someone else a little further back says, "This Is Sugar."

They freeze. Dave makes a sound a little like a squeak and Rose turns her head slowly to see who is behind them. The monster is knelt down at the edge of their broken circle with her finger in her blood-smeared mouth.

"Sugar..." Somehow, between the shock and terror, Rose manages to feel a flicker of anger. She rounds on her brother. "Sugar? You gave me fucking sugar, Dave? What in the nine rings of hell is that going to do, satiate Satan's sweet tooth?"

"hey dont act like you never fuck up you gave me salt instead of sugar that one time we stopped at dennys"

"These are TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS."

"Uh, Pardon Me-"

"my coffee tasted awful"

"We are going to DIE, Dave, and I can't say that I'm surprised it's due to your unfailing incompetence at, oh, pretty much everything!"

"I Am Not Going To Kill You, Actually-"

"oh so this is the thanks i get for saving your ass from that werewolf last month"

"That wasn't even a werewolf! It was a missing dog that we didn't even get to collect the reward for because someone happened to skewer it with a silver katana!"

"it was a pretty big dog..."

"Am I Interrupting Something?"

"How about you own up to your own mistakes for once in your life, huh?" She jams her finger into his chest and he slaps her hand away.

"pop off rose before i own up to your face"

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"your face doesnt make sense"

"I Think I Am Going To Leave Now. If You Will Excuse Me." The vampire stands up to her full (and rather impressive) height and carefully steps around them as they roll past her on the floor, hissing and spitting at each other like a pair of frazzled cats. Humans are erratic, strange creatures that she would rather not get involved with. Especially not right after dinner.

They don't even notice she's left until they are both left nursing their wounds after Rose knocked her head against a table leg and accidentally kicked Dave in the crotch as a reflex. They both agreed that it was a literal low blow and ceased fire temporarily.

"we lost the fucking monster great way to waste a night" Dave grumbles, delicately pressing a pack of frozen peas to his lap.

"You should feel lucky we're even still alive," Rose replies sharply, picking bits of sugar and dirt out of her hair.

"christ are we really going to go at this again what do you want me to do say im sorry im a fucking-" She leans over the table and pulls him forward by the front of his shirt, cutting him off with a rough kiss before letting him fall back into his seat.

"Shut up, Dave. I want you to shut up. It's been a long night." Dave touches his mouth in disbelief, then lets his forehead rest on the table with a sigh. It's a little fucked up, but he guesses it doesn't really matter. People already think they're a couple.

Edited 2012-06-13 22:04 (UTC)

I love writing terrible children's stories way more than is healthy.

--

Once upon a time there was an empress.

To be precise, she was Her Imperious Condescension, by the Grace of the Gods of the Furthest Ring, of Alternia and All the Planets Beyond the Stars, Head of the Empire, Admiral of the Imperial Fleet, Defender of the Hemocaste, Great and Eternal Leader, Sovereign of Baked Goods. Her friends called her Condesce, for short.

At least, that's what they would have called her for short, if she had any friends.

The empress had a great many things. She had long legs, strong arms, a mass of hair that flowed down her back to the floor, and a crown that occasionally got lost in all that hair. She had so many planets to rule, she had lost count of how many there were. She had a fleet of ships she ordered in battle. She had a ship of her very own as well, a great big one called the Battleship Condescension. This battleship had wide hallways and a large throne room, and it was always bustling with the activity of the crew and her admirals and courtiers. But despite all of this, the empress had no one she could really talk to.

Her underlings were all scared of her, or worse, jealous of her. Her subjects were all scared of her, or worse, hated her. It was hard being an empress. It was hard and nobody understood. Some of her subjects thought she shouldn't think she was better than they were, even though she was empress. Some of them thought she shouldn't order the imperial drones to cull so many of the weak, even though she was only trying to make her species stronger. Some of them thought that everyone should be considered equal, even though this was clearly bullshit.

Some of these trolls started sharing their bad ideas with other trolls in the lower classes. They thought they should take care of the weak and welcome them into society. They didn't know anything about social Troll Darwinism. Eventually there was a revolt to try to force her to not be empress. They thought if there was no empress, then everyone would look out for everyone else. They didn't know anything about politics.

A lot of trolls died because of the revolt. More than usual. Even so, the empress didn't even kill most of the leaders when she found them. She was a nice person.

One of these trolls she didn't kill was a psiioniic. He was very stupid, because he believed all of that nonsense about trolls being equals. On the other hand, he was also very talented. And he was very nearly the right size to fit in the engine room of her ship. Once she removed a few of pokey-out bits, he'd be perfect. It was love at first sight.

Every day, the empress would go down to her engine room and sit and talk to him. She would tell him about her plans for the future of the empire. She would tell him about the bad dreams she had during the day. She would tell him how attractive he looked in those goggles. It was nice to have someone to talk to who didn't expect anything of her, the way her admirals and courtiers did. It was nice to have someone who didn't try to explain to her how she was wrong without directly telling her that she was wrong.

The only thing the psiioniic ever said to her was, "suck my bulge, ii'm a 2hiip."

The empress extended his life so that he wouldn't have to die young, but would instead live forever with her. Together, they drove the battleship all the way across the galaxy, and added even more planets to her empire. They were an unbeatable team.

And still, the only thing the psiioniic ever said to her was, "suck my bulge, ii'm a 2hiip."

Until one day, the empress was amazed to discover that when the psiioniic said "suck my bulge," what he meant was, "ii love you."

And she never had to be alone again.

Edited (trolls are nocturnal, genius) 2012-06-13 20:26 (UTC)

how about some aradia<>feferi magical girl + horror!

UU<3uu romcom and alternate universe?

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Page 68 of 146

BONUS ROUND 1

Bonus Round 1

Re: FILL: TEAM DAVE<3KANAYA<3ROSE

Re: FILL: TEAM JOHN <3 KARKAT

Re: PROMPT: TEAM ARADIA<3FEFERI

Re: FILL: TEAM JADE<3KARKAT

Re: FILL: TEAM AUTO-RESPONDER <3 ROXY

PROMPT: TEAM TAVROS<>ARADIA

FILL: TEAM DIRK<3JAKE<3JANE<3ROXY

Re: FILL: TEAM AUTO-RESPONDER <3 ROXY

FILL: TEAM ERIDAN<3KARKAT

PROMPT: TEAM JADE<3KARKAT

FILL: TEAM DAVE<3KANAYA<3ROSE

Re: FILL: TEAM DAVE<3TEREZI

PROMPT: TEAM ERIDAN<>ROSE

Re: FILL: TEAM DAVE<3KANAYA<3ROSE

Re: FILL: TEAM DAVE<3KANAYA<3ROSE

Re: FILL: TEAM DAVE<3KANAYA<3ROSE

Re: FILL: TEAM TEREZI ♥ VRISKA

Re: FILL: TEAM TEREZI ♥ VRISKA

FILL: TEAM ERIDAN♦ROSE

no subject

FILL: TEAM DAVE <3 ROSE <3 TEREZI

FILL: TEAM DAVE<3KANAYA<3ROSE

FILL: TEAM JADE<3JOHN<3KARKAT

PROMPT: Team Aradia<>Tavros

PROMPT: Team Aradia<>Tavros